Father’s Day Quiz: Can We Guess Why Your Father Abandoned You As A Child?

Father’s Day has always been a sore subject for you ever since your dad left to buy that pack of cigarettes when you were a kid and never came back. You managed to grow up fine without him, but you still wonder occasionally what it was that caused the bastard to take off. Well, wonder no further because Runt has the closure you so desperately seek (but not the love and acceptance, we can only do so much). Take this quiz and find out definitively why your daddy ditched you as a kid:

1. What is one of the last memories you have of your father before he left?

   1. He took me to the racetrack and kept muttering “It was supposed to be a sure thing!" every time his horse lost, which was pretty much the whole time.
   2. I accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom brandishing a chair and a whip.
   3. Playing Street Fighter II with him and wondering why he always picked Zangief.
   4. The look of disappointment on his face when I​ told him I gave the puppy a haircut with mommy's lighter.

2. What did your father do for work?

   1. He worked at a Smirnoff vodka bottling plant.
   2. Keeping me out of juvenile hall - not to mention the morgue - was pretty much a full-time​ job.
   3. He dressed up as​ a clown and performed at children's parties, whether he was invited or not.
   4. He was technically unemployed but seemed to watch a lot of sports and make a lot of phone calls.

3. If you asked your mother what kind of man your father was how would she describe him?

   1. Secretive, but a good comrade nonetheless.
   2. A dreamer with his head stuck in the clouds and his feet planted firmly on a tightrope
   3. She can’t describe anything until her jaw heals, and I'll tell you the same thing I told the police: she tripped down those stairs.
   4. A lying, cheating, no-good​ rat.

4. Where was your father last seen before he disappeared?

   1. Getting into the back of Babyface Bruno’s car with Vinnie the Tooth and Tommy Two Toes.
   2. Walking down the street in a unitard with one strap and lifting a comically oversized dumbbell.
   3. Beating the shit out of Yakov Smirnov while screaming “traitor” over and over again
   4. Carrying my little sister out of our burning house ... after it somehow caught on fire ... randomly.

5. What was the last thing your father said to you before he left?

   1. “Never take any action where the Vig is over 10%!”
   2. “I know you started that fire, I can't prove it yet, but I will!”
   3. “There's a sucker born every minute!”
   4. I don't know, it was something in Russian.

6. What was your dad’s favorite movie?

   1. Big Top Pee-Wee
   2. Goodfellas
   3. I don't know if it was his favorite but he used to watch The Omen a lot...and cry.
   4. It's a toss-up between Red Dawn and Rocky IV

7. What was the last gift your father ever gave you?

   1. A stuffed polka-dotted elephant.
   2. A chemistry set, which I used to whip up some homemade mustard gas.
   3. A dog-eared copy of The Communist Manifesto.
   4. Even money on the Knicks to beat the Celtics.

8. Is there anything you may have done that could have caused your dad to leave home?

   1. When those men in the long coats asked me if my father was home I should have said no.
   2. I made fun of that red blobby thing on Mikhail Gorbachev's head.
   3. I questioned his skill as an acrobat.
   4. My sister’s “accident.” Hey, I told her not to touch my Legos, she should have listened.

9. What song do you remember being your dad’s favorite when you were a kid?

   1. Tears Of A Clown
   2. Back In The USSR
   3. The Gambler
   4. I don’t know if it was his favorite but he used to listen to the theme from the Exorcist a lot.. .and cry.

10. Did your father leave you anything to remember him by?

    1. He left no trace of his existence whatsoever, it was like he was never even there!
    2. His delicious crushed hopes and broken dreams.
    3. A squirting flower and a pair of white gloves.
    4. A snub-nosed revolver with the serial numbers filed off and a coffee can full of crumpled twenties.

Your father abandoned you because: He owed money to the mob

Your dad had a weakness for gambling and that led him to do business with some pretty shady people. In an effort to keep his knees intact your pop had to fly the coop and go on the lam. Either that or some wiseguy had him whacked and now your dad sleeps with the fishes...happy Father’s day!

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Your father abandoned you because: He wanted to join the circus

Your dad tried his best to do the domestic thing but while he was dutifully going to recitals and Little League games he was secretly yearning to be a part of the greatest show on earth. One day the call of the bigtop became too loud to ignore so he packed up his juggling pins and lion tamer outfit and set out to become the 8th Ringling Brother. He’s been picking up elephant shit ever since…happy Father’s day!

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Your father abandoned you because: He was a Russian spy

Your father had a terrible secret, your D-A-D worked for the KGB. Whenever you and your mom thought that he was out with the boys having a few cold ones, your dad was really intercepting satellite signals and sending sensitive US government information back to the motherland. Unfortunately,​ the cold war ended and your da' didn’t have much of a reason to stay in the good old US of A so he hightailed it back to Siberia, leaving you and your mother to fend for yourselves. If it’s any consolation, he’s probably lost at least a couple of toes to frostbite over the years...happy Father’s Day!

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Your father abandoned you because: You're pretty much the Devil

Normally we would never suggest that the child is in any way responsible when a parent leaves, but in your case we will make an exception. You’re obviously an unbalanced sadist - think a mixture of Patrick Bateman and that ginger monstrosity from Problem Child - and any sane parent would have run away from you the minute your back was turned. After a few years of watching you slowly give yourself over to the dark lord your father finally got up the courage to leave one night taking nothing with him except the Crucifix that hung in the downstairs hall, and a box of salt from the cupboard. Happy Father's day, Damian!

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